Love is in the air with Valentine’s Day just around the corner. Or as some know it, “Singles Awareness Day”. Currently, students are asking out other students to this thing called a “banquet” at the school I work at. It’s almost like what some schools would consider a formal or prom, but more traditional. As a teacher, I teach an entire unit on relationships. Traditionally it was called “Marriage & Family”. Seniors take this class and it’s our institution’s purpose to prepare for a successful relationship when they graduate from high school.
As with most things, it’s difficult to teach this unit objectively since it requires everyone to reflect and analyze their interpersonal relationships. Over the course of the unit, I ask my students to write down any questions that they might have regarding relationships. They can be about marriage, dating, friendships, family, and etc. Typically, the most common question that is asked is, is there such thing as “the one”. Meaning is there that one person out there, that “Mr. or Ms. Perfect” that I was destined to be with. If you’re a Christian you take this a step further by wondering if God has already preselected your future spouse for you.
This idea rattled my teenage brain when I was dating my wife in high school. I found myself really wanting to date her simply because I was attracted to her and I enjoyed being around her. However, some of my peers felt differently. I don’t remember all the reasons they gave me but they were certain she was not the one for me. Being well-intentioned, they explained that Alicia and I were just too different. Believing what they were saying really hurt me because if God were so good why wouldn’t he allow me, or better yet trust me, to pick a partner that I thought would be good for me.
While discussing this idea in class, the idea of “the one”, I came to the conclusion that if we were created in the image of God then He must have equipped us, to some degree, to be able to make our own choices. We’ve advanced as a culture enough to understand that there is an unhealthy level of co-dependency, therefore, I would assume that could spill over into our decision-making process with God. This could happen when we become so scared of making the wrong decision that we don’t feel as though we can make any decision. We need Him to make all of our decisions and when there is no resounding clear direction, it is paralyzing. Trusting in the Lord and not “leaning upon our own understanding” does not mean that we cannot trust ourselves for anything. If you can’t trust your most basic God-given senses then you might end up driving yourself crazy.
In order the survive the opinions of others, “high school Zack” had to make a switch in his way of thinking. One of the biggest things I remember other people saying is that who Alicia was didn’t fit into who they thought I was supposed to be if I were to be a pastor. Alicia genuinely loved and had a relationship with God (and still does), but when my friends that felt as though they were more spiritual evaluated her, they just didn’t think that she fit “the mold” of what a typical pastor’s wife should be. Which is technically tying my identity to a career (as well as hers) and not my own personal thoughts and feelings of who God made me be. To be fair, I had no clue who I wanted to be or what I wanted to do, but everyone, including myself, believed I was destined for the ministry. One day I came to my senses and asked myself would I rather marry someone who would fit into people’s opinions of who I should be or would I choose to be with someone who I genuinely felt loved me and made me happy.
Going a step further I then asked myself what if I were to never become a pastor or one day leave the ministry, would the person I chose to marry be tied to that idea of what I thought how my life should be? Would they just genuinely love me for who I am? These are huge thoughts for someone to consider when dating at the ages of seventeen and eighteen, I know. Trust me, I’ve gone to therapy and have worked through some of these things. Maturity has afforded me the opportunity of looking back to realize I had, and still struggle with, a problem with people-pleasing.
Marrying Alicia has meant so many things for me. First, it has reinforced my self-confidence and shown me that while God works with me, He does not control me. Secondly, it has taught me that God delights in me. The Bible says, “Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4). In essence, this tells me that if I’m truly delighting myself in the Lord then I can trust that God will give me good gifts as He has promised in Matthew 7:11. To which the Bible says, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord” (Proverbs 18:22). A spouse is a gift from God.
Finally, my marriage to Alicia has shown me that I had a part to play in choosing who I wanted for me which makes love that much more meaningful. It wasn’t like we were forced together by something outside of ourselves, but within. It’s powerful to know that each day we choose to love each other which is more of a selfless act than feeling like we are obligated to. Jesus willingly chose to die for us. This is not the reason for His existence, but it’s what He chose to do because He loves us.
Of course, there are factors that constitute a bad relationship. Red flags that warn us to get away from something that may not be good for us. Also, self-deception sometimes works against our better judgment, but if you find yourself in the valley of indecision know that God doesn’t just want to choose for you, but would hope that your relationship with Him would give you the confidence to navigate any decision. My stepmom sent this to me the other day and it helped me. It said, “Wherever you go and whatever you do, you will be blessed” (Deuteronomy 28:6). This doesn’t mean go and do anything, but if your heart is postured towards God then almost anything can become a blessing.
Resources for dating:
- Relationship Series: Ten Tips For Ten Years https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLIzaN6ncKpdHGm8lZpvJJlpQUljKy4RrQ
Zachary Surovec 